the daily xiao

this will be a space where
each day something new
will show up, just for 
xiaobelly!

22.12.19

im feeling like
giving you 
a slice
of my recent
eyes







21.12.19

I wrote this poem in the morning.
i want you to know its not directed at you
i just think its pretty

You're too loud
I can't hear
the sound of the trees speaking
that tufted grass telling
which way the wind went.

All i ask for is some quiet
Disconnecting your loudspeaker
from the chatterbox in your head.
Because the chatterbox in your head
resonates with
the chatterboks in my head and

Its too loud

I can't hear the footsteps of the sun 
creeping up in the sky
or the sound of shadows swaying,
the moss shrugging off the night or
bark's yawn catching first glimpse of light

It's too loud to hear
the whoosh of blood in my ear
each second of the years
my heart stays beating.
My own creaky joints mirroring
the willows woven whips.

When it's too loud
maybe i can hear you
but i can't listen to
anything but the
sound of your
voice

and I want to hear it all

So. 
Maybe we can learn to speak 

more like the hiss of the sun

or the 

drone of the moon


or the 



silence 
of the stars




18.12.19

i really want to put something here today
but im so pooped that i want to do it in the morning
but i still want to put something here before
i go to bed.

i appreciate you a lot
i am grateful to speak with you
i am happy to be motivated by you

things are crazy for both of us right now
but i know with sleep we'll both feel better


17.12.19

how do they know what they're going to get
we;re going to town on 
this chocolate
once you find what you're talented it
you gotta have that drive
yes we have that talent
theres gunna be things
like snakes
and tigers and tires
its too crazy
im not gunna let it stop

a lot of directors dont
go into the seam
between last clouds lip
and the open sky

we were living in new york
i didn't talk to no body
for like eight days
i got traded
just packed up and left

digestion
ketosis
no carbohydrates to
value you professionally
usually an all-star
one other guy turned
into a wine connesuoir

---
these are just snippets of my mind
and ears and eyes

dunno if they're coming through
but it doesn't really matter
tahoe's crazy.  im blogging at a new place
new subdomain is winter
check it out if you like
'cause i like you
and i'd check you out :P

loving you xiaobelly

14.12.19

sorry xiaobelly.
I didn't write anything here on my birthday
but i'll make it up to you
with a word 
or three or two
or a few 
choo choo 
whoo whoo
PASTA TIME
god how i love you

the truth is though
i still haven't sent a postcard
because i've been too worried about what to put on in
so maybe i should just send one tonight
with not much on it except for
a big heart
with ai written on it
and your address

but then your family will see
and understand
and it may be confusing
so i should do something else
hidden secrets
invisible ink
and ciphered text
hide the love
lest it be seen
out in the open

how contrary that notion
to the entire foundation
of our relation.

i love you a lot xiaobelly
i love you because
together we feel free
to be loving and sharing
and affectionate and seen
in our love for 
one another
in person and on screen

hehe it rhymed
and i liked it
like i like you
a little bubble of laughter
coming right from my belly
warm and rising it bursts through my chest skin
out into the space between us
and brightens the you on your face

it's nice to write for you love
the words flow because
i'm not writing them

its my hearts language
and what it speaks i say
and what i say
my heart knows youll read
and that is enough
to make every word
and letter
worth putting here

can't wait to see you again
and i hope the cold in beijing is treating you well
and i hope the postcard thing works out 
and i'm sorry if it doesn't

but either way, i loove you!

11.12.19

I found this on a walk yesterday





10.12.19

I keep wanting to make you more processing sketches
but every time i sit down
at the processor
the process just 
doesnt
process

and instead of images i find myself
mostly looking at
the reflections 
of my closed eyelids
dancing between
zigg-zagging striped polygons
and gooey bobbing masses

when i sit there
i forget ive eaten a whole pint of ice cream
and a tofu bahn mi
and 1 persimmon all day

i forget that i am
there at all
i forget theres anything to do but
stare at all
that in front
of my eyes

hypnosis isn't only for clowns
and tists

its for you
and me
too


6.12.19

The sixth

I have a feeling that robert needs to be at the computer
They're winding yarn around cardboard cones
Just Normal - no tension.
You can pull a little, but it doesn't need to be so tight.
I have it also in my back
The tension
The tangled yarn
It's on the
Back door left hand-side
In a paper bag
that my mom gave me for lunch
A peanut butter sandwich
Dunkaroos
Pudding cup
and this tangle of yarn that
I can never seem to get straight

Rober's going to get boxes
I'm going to brush my teeth
Popcorn would just
stick between my
tired gums
carapace stiff
fiiling starchy
holding it exactly where
it is

sledding is serious business
it's winter time somewhere
where they turned off the clocks
and listen
it's speaking to you when you wind the yarn
its a real narrative
i think i heard the mayor call
he said
there's nothing to fear
i feel vibrations coming out of here
there are two wires
this one is for our soul
the other one is for our power

this message is brought to you by wireless tethering

Today I feel much better.  I drove home from Santa Cruz.
I gave Jessica back her sweater and I was sad about that
I'm buying a car tomorrow.
I miss your presence.
Your loving smile, your excitement and play
I miss what you say when you say it
and how you move when you move
and the time we get to spend undistracted from one another
i want to give you time tomorrow.
I wonder if you will feel the same way.

I will knit more xiao. 
i was sing more
and play more
and paint more
and be more
because i am more
and be nothing more than i am.

the skies have been decadent lately
i wish you could be here to see them

I led a collaborative story tell at Ye's house
we spoke of a human tree that was born in the clouds
and had a black heart made of ants 
and love
grace and color splashed in our life
that we let loose
from our lips

tonight was nice.  i can still feel the buzzing in my butt
and legs. but it's okay.
i'm staying up late with rob oschorn and crew watching
a film about a journey back to lithuania.
there are good people here
artists and scholars and architects and activists
dancers and readers and listeners.
these people inspire me
and i am not them
but parts of them are me.
and the other way around too.




5.12.19
the fifth

something i see
are the ripples and white caps
on the wind-blown waves
over changing tides

silver pulls poison
and fixes flaking skin
melting friends 
and stories
into amalgam.

The grains of sand
resting on windshields
at the beach
casting shadows to get lost in
till they're blown
cast aside
for the new to fall into view.

What marvels lie before us in minute detail
the Zietgeist cawing
'look before its too late'
our bellies vomiting
craft and artifact
clawing at creation and
divine inspiration
the satisfaction of 
doing for
what is 
right

I too like this feeling
it takes me to smiles and satisfaction
busy-ness and progress
the logbook of accomplishment evident in
what has manifested.

one stitch makes a loop
men don't bother with stitches.
men plant seeds.
this man does both.

I am just a seed floating in the breeze
You are the earth that grows the trees
We knit together our souls in a weave
Once this fabric seen -
we are one - and never leave.


Walking in the forest today 
the colors so vibrant and full
So stiking like i've never seen before
yellow fireflies luminescent and stuck against the dark forest
red faded leaves against blue gravel
the small patches of sunlight
i want to paint it all
everything is beginning to inspire me

flickers of dreams from past come through
it's nice to see you again xiaobelly. ::heart::


4.12.19

HIXIAOBELLYSORRYIDIDN'TTALKTOYOUONSIGNALMUCHTODAY
i've been kinda busy - I drove down to santa cruz today to see jessica,
where im spending today and tomorrow.  I think danielle baskin printed the
post cards today so i'm excited for that.  I talked to my parents about
the rapist thing and i've been really well recieved by them even though i 
was really worried they'd think poorly of me.  I also ran into elena byun
at atlas cafe today and we talked for a while- about all sorts of things 
and catching up and she supported me too.  I feel loved by my friends and 
community and i feel like everything will be okay even though i'm still 
thinking about it a lot.  Jessica has also received me well, i feel comforted
by her stillness and slowness.  





3.12.19
Yesterday was kind of a mess. 
It was a lot of waiting around hoping someone would take the futon 
and force my hand with the moving thing - which eventually happened.
I spent the morning making breakfast and packing up a few more things,
then spending time with frisco cooped up comfortable in my room watching
avatar the last airbender.  I did morning pages, too, which was nice.
Eventually - right in the middle of an epic battle - keri walked in and
asked 'what's the story, mister?' I immediately shut down my computer and
started taking apart the futon - eventually realizing that everything i 
owned, including the futon, could easily fit in my van.  There's a frisco
hair on my screen XD also I'm at la corneta eating a burrito vegetales y
salsa caliente con nachos.  Its raining outside and the sky is grey - 
even though it was blue as stellar's jay this morning.

I miss you.

Yesterday ended like this: 
After packing /everything/ up, Keri and tristan fed me some 7-mushroom stew
leftovers from the previous night, i told them both things that had been 
bothering me for a while - which all came up in the morning pages: that
i'd felt isolated and confused about what to do re: family arguments and
drama, that sometimes I didn't feel welcome or that I was no longer welcome,
that keri was in many ways a mother figure and i held shame about wanting
to live with a mother figure - that i had a story i had to grow up and leave
the nest, which is partly why I chose to leave the angel portal.
We talked it thought and i've dropped that shame, though i'm not any clearer
about how they want me to interact with them re: family drama.
I took Mr. Van to cole valley for the artists way meeting - the plan was to
go to the meeting then come back and finish cleaning keris room after.  It was good.
This week was about abundance/imagining and living in the worlds we want
to live in.  I had almost forgotten that last week after I left your house
when you left to hang with carl, i walked all the way home.  I went over 
McLaren park and as I rose the sun set.  Its blinding orange light fading
salmon, then barely pink; the clouds catching a dark rosy hue.  Colorful homes.
Pines abutting a hole in the canopy - from where I watched the crescent moon
slice through clouds, revealing a planetary beauty mark.  Maybe too poetic,
but the moon really had a beauty mark that night!  I watched the crows and
the bats come out.  I wandered slowly home - cold, but home in my own steps.
I hadn't felt so close to nature in a long enough while that this was
significant for me.  After telling this story, Suzanne said she liked how
I gave the moon a beauty mark.  And I remembered that I encouraged my dad
to write poetry on sunday and he wrote his first poem while watching snow
fall, soaking in a hot tub.  Also that I busked at the farmers market and
made 2 bucks.  Life's changing, and it's nice.  I'm growing in the places
I'd hoped to be growing!
Post meeting I got some pizza on haight at a place called 'Escape from New
York pizza'.  I was kind of unimpressed.  The crust was good, but the cheese
was meh - maybe i could have asked them to heat it longer?  The pizzaslinger
commented on my bluetooth speaker and told me about his friend the bike
messenger who just got the same kind.  I left and decided I needed ice cream.
I went to 'the ice cream bar' on cole.  It's a swanky old-school sweets/fountain
parlor; scoopers dressed in 50's uniforms and with young brassy-jazz oozing out
of the wooden-barrel ceiling.  The ice cream was okay - soaking up the timelessness
of the scene was sweeter and more satisfying.  It was 10pm and one of the scoopers
was so cheery!  I asked her how and she said, 'it's all the sugar! oh, and coffee!'.
Figures.
On my way home I found someone who wanted the futon.  They were living in a 
low-income housing apartment complex, and when i met them I felt way better
about giving away the futon for free.  I knew it'd get totally wrecked when
i heard dogs barking, but...  Someting just felt right about it.  Thank you
Futon.  Finally I went back to Keri's, cleaned the room, and crashed on
the floof in the living room.  I can't rememeber my dreams but I knew they
were great.  You were in them.

That was a LOT.  I hope you /want/ to read things like this.  If not i'm happy
to do more creative writing ^-^. I'm grateful we're still talking even though
you're halfway around the earth.  Technology is amazing like this.  Otherwise
I'd just be missing you like crazy.  I hope the sky clears so I can go play
some guitar outside today, or something.

I reorganized Mr. Van after the futon was gone.

I dropped by the glen to pick up my bike.  Not sure what the rest of the day holds.

Other than lots of love for you xiaobelly!

Pumper piper pumpernickel!
Pickeled Pecking Petertickles!
Yoma Nura Limey Spit!
Donna Lina Riveys Tit!
wonckeloctamannerich!
yammalabnerandowich!

I forgot to mention that I spent about 22 minutes with someone who was probably
pretty high on crack or something.  He wasn't much older than me, if at all.
He was very fit, muscular, and loved music above everything.  He kept saying how
talented he was - how much his talents meant to him - and that he just wanted
to feel appreciated by his fans.  He was a bassist, and said he shredded harder
than metallica.  He told me he had a studio near the bayview and he wanted me
to play music with him sometime.  Much of this time I spent plucking amazing
orange leaves from a tree just outside keri's house.  As we spoke something
felt so slow and peaceful.  There was nothing else to do - no rush, I was 
holding space for this guy who was only asking for others to appreciate him.
It was a nice moment.  Sometimes I wish i'd gone with him to the studio - who
knows what kind of music we could have made, or if there even was a studio, but
the possibility was so tangible - like nectar dripping from a honeysuckle.

Thanks for talking to me tonight; 
both talking about what's going on with communication between you and your dad
and talking about my aversion to buying cars and the rapist stuff
what a day... so many highs and lows.  Such is life.
Love you xiao belly.


lalala

2.12.19

'THIS DRIPS HARD'

1.12.19
Gratitude
I woke up this morning missing you.  After morning pages old memories
began to drift in.  Sitting in the van under pine trees.  Picking up 
pine cones.  Helping you walk up the tree.  Apricot picnic.  All of the
tension we held within us when we weren't crossing that line.  Even hard
moments - like when carl confronted us at burning man, 'is something
going on here?'.  Reflecting on all of these memories I realize how deep
of a connection four months can bring on.  I am so glad I met you Xiao.
I am so grateful for every moment we've had together - whether in person
or communicating over phone.  Each moment we've shared has been a big
experience for me, and I treasure them all.  I want to take on a more
active role in documenting our experiences, and this may be part of an
effort to do so.  

Driving in Mr. Van was so much fun during our date.  I feel like you 
are the only person who appreciated Mr. Van for what he is.  I feel so
seen and comforted and not judged by you.  You even like Mr. Van, I think.
It actually means a lot to me.  I feel amazed to find someone who can
tolerate the quirks of Mr. Van - at least to the extent of riding in his
belly every once in a while.

What a sentimental spicy super surprize location you chose for our date!  
We didn't take any photos at Mr. Szechuan, but we did spend two hours
lovingly feeding each other delicious black fungugs frozen tofu enoki
seaweed BROCCOLI celery spIcy soups and gazed into each other's eyes.
We had good conversation too - reminiscing about the last four months,
talking about what i like about my other relations, what i like from 
the intimate space in our relation.  I won't lie, my memorry is a little
fuzzy here.  All I can remember is the bright white lights and the tasty
red spicy food and rice and slurping soup and feeling warm with you.  
Feeling loved.  
we took purple rice + purple potato balls and taro and boba to go.
I kept wanting to look into your eyes the whole ride home.
I didgeridoo'd you and ed at the glen, when you went to get your charger.
then we went home to my place to watch 'Once upon a time in hollywood'
and got a little high and made out a lot.  I really enjoyed what we watched
of the film, but the whole time I kept thinking about how you needed to leave
at 10am and I wanted to engage with you more.  When you mentioned wanting 
to talk and comment freely then I understood - and we had such a good time
watching the movie!  I used to think watching movies wasn't really an 
interactive experience, but now I get it!
I'm not going to write about our sexytime here.  But know I had an
explosively good time.  Also I'd totally wear those stockings again.
Did you take them home?! where'd they go?!  I was sad to not be able to drive
you home.  It was crazy trying to get my van to move.  I really appreciate you
staying with me trying to get it moving.  Shoving that wood under the tires
only to watching it shoot out from underneath in the slippery rain.  You
are cool under pressure.  I'm looking forward to getting you started with
knitting.  Also if you find some yarn and needles in china, go for it!  

Frisco slept in my room last night.  It was really nice waking up next to him.
I feel in many ways that frisco is my guru.  Funny how that works sometimes.
He massaged me last night, and i'm going to miss his masterful reiki massages.
Things are mostly packed up here.  Going to load them into the van today and 
figure out what the rest of the day/week holds for me.  I'm scared and excited.
I'm growing and shrinking, but hoping life will be kind over the next month.
Some logistics:
i should probably get wechat.  
I have whatsapp if that works for you.
let me know somehow?

A dime a day
a pickle's pcck
let us salt
another rock

some tickled time
and twisted lime
and wistful rhymes
arranged in lines
put at ease
the ear in play

Love you xiaobelly!